Dear Vanessa,

Ever since I was young, it seemed to be a constant battle for recognition, affection and love.   Over the years I have grown to resent my sister as it seems to me that she received an easier road.    She was young; the baby of the family, life seemed easier.   The rules were non-existent, and I took on the motherly role.  I see that over the years that her resentment for me has too grown, I often wonder if it is because we never truly acted as sisters or simply a mother-child relationship.    Navigation through the dynamics has been difficult.  Any advice you can provide would be greatly appreciated.   

Sincerely,

Tanya

Dearest Tanya,

That’s a tough one.   I do think many of us have experienced difficulty with siblings.   This is normal, what would life be without challenge?

Whether it is being the oldest, and feeling like life was “tougher” for us, or it is being the middle child and feeling “lost” in the family dynamics, or being the youngest and feeling “unnoticed”.

I find it interesting, because I have been there, and see a triangle of dysfunction.   Being caught in the triangle of dysfunction does not allow us to evolve as people.   The triangle contains the victim, the persecutor, and the martyr.   Have you ever felt like you held on of those roles?  I have flip flopped all over the place.  “Poor me”, “how could you have done that to me” or “how can I save you”?

The triangle does not allow us to experience unconditional love and it holds us back from the relationships we were meant to experience.   Love is everything, love fulfills, and perfect love from God makes us feel whole.    He asks us to treat others as we would treat ourselves.   But how can we truly treat others as ourselves if we truly do not love ourselves first?

Sibling rivalry comes from a place of resentment and not full love.  Heck this is natural; we have to learn how to evolve.   We have to learn to see past the difficulty or imperfection, and love ourselves for our distinctness and forget the comparisons.   Comparisons with our siblings, comparisons with the ones we work with, engage with, or those people we meet.

Love yourself fully and realize your uniqueness has been created for a purpose.  A purpose of greatness!   That is the first step, and a great step if you cannot fully love yourself first, you will not be able to experience love from others and extend love fully.

The second step is letting go and forgiving the past.  The past is in the past.  Ask yourself how can we move forward?  Seek first to understand then to be understood.  This means really understanding your siblings perspective, how did she feel, how was the dynamic created?  What roles did each of you play?

You acknowledged that you fell into the “parenting role” but why?  When you were in the parenting role, did it allow you to appreciate your sister for who she was?   Or did you try to control her every action?  Did you see her as a free spirit or did you want her to conform and be more like you?

Perspective is everything.   Perhaps your sister felt like she was in your shadow, and could never meet your expectations?  Is that a possibility?   We build walls in our lives from our experiences, the only way to break down the walls is to let go of our perspective and believing our perspective is the right one.  You need to start from a place of acceptance, and love is the only way.

I challenge you sister; can you reach out your hand to your sister and seek first to understand?  Perhaps it will open a door and you will enter a place of enlightenment.

Dear Lord God,

Bless Tanya, and all of your children that are experiencing this difficulty in their families. Help teach us to love and let go.  Help us to seek to understand before judging.   Break down the walls, the barriers that are holding us back.   Help us to move forward one step at a time and build love. I pray for this in Jesus Name.

May you be blessed beautiful lady,

Vanessa

You can visit Vanessa on her personal blog at www.nesschesters.wordpress.com or email her at [email protected] with a question, a comment or feedback ALL WELCOME J