I heard the throaty roar of an engine starting up in my driveway.
Not recognizing the guttural sound as coming from any vehicle that I presently owned, I glanced out of the kitchen window to see who it was, and my mouth fell open. There, sitting atop of a motorcycle was my son.
Joy filled his face as he revved the engine, and dread filled mine.
Dread and fear.
It felt like just yesterday that I sat next to my “baby” as the doctors explained what was happening to his body. A grand mal seizure had racked his young body with no apparent cause. Fear gripped us all. They said it was possible that there would only be the one, or they could continue indefinitely.
Several years of medication and close monitoring kept the seizures from wreaking too much havoc on all of our lives. But when he turned 18 and decided to discontinue use of the meds after only 2 years being seizure free; this mama continued to fear.
What if now that he was driving, the seizures reoccurred? Thoughts of car accidents and traumatic brain injuries gripped me, and then the worst case scenario: death. I have two friends who have lost sons to these questionable modes of transportation, so the possibility was all too familiar to me. Especially given the unique circumstance here. Motorized speeding vehicle with nothing between his head and the road besides a piece of plastic. How would my mama’s heart survive this?
Three more years have passed since leaving the med’s behind, with no other occurrences, but the appearance of the motorcycle brought old fears back into focus. Wild thoughts and anxiety became a part of me every time he left the house.
Then God got ahold of my heart. He said:
“Do you trust me?”
Trust you? Yes…I said. It is everyone else on the road that I don’t trust.
“I have ordained all of his days”, He said to my heart. “I love him more that you can ever imagine…even more than you do. Trust that love.”
The words swirled within my heart, my mind and my soul. And I gave in.
“You are right Lord.” (of course He is!!) “I will trust in your love. Give me the strength to let go, and to enjoy the moments I do have with him. To be able to show him your concern for his life and for who he is and who he will become. Give this mama’s heart peace in knowing that no matter what, You love him and have planned every minute of his life from even before the time that he was born.”
Do I still worry as I hear that engine start up and drive away down the street – sure. But God has granted me a peace in knowing that no matter what; His will be done, and it is my job to simply love him while I can.
To Him be the Glory!! Forever and Amen!
Do you battle with fear and worry? Consider leaving a comment, we would love to pray for/with you!